He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
