I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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