my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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