I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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