Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
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puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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