The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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