the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
