He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The power of my boobs compel you
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
