Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
