I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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