I just saw a hot homeless man
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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