you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
