She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
