When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
