How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
