Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dignity is for republicans.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
