Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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