I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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