just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
