We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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