After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
