wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
