is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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