you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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