I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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