I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
