I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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