How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
