If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
