I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
