I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
