I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
