I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
