so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
