We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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