Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
