I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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