Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
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You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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