Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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