got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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