is your mom at the bar?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
