Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
