I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
