Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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