and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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