But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
