Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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