He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
