I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
