Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
