barbara walters just said penis...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
