doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
