Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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