I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
