I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
