youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
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Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
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Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.