i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
