you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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